World's Ugliest Dog Contest Unveiled!

One month from yesterday, the biggest sham in the animal world is back: the World's Ugliest Dog Contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair. When I first heard about the Ugliest Dog Contest, I thought "This is something I can get behind." I mean, ugly dogs are great. You get to play catch without all the shame and feelings of regret you get with a cute dog.

Then I watched a special on the contest on the Animal Planet. THESE DOGS ARE FUCKING ADORABLE. Take fucking Gus here. First of all HIS NAME IS GUS. Plus, he has three legs, almost no hair, and fucking cancer. Who is going to not have affection for Gus? Satan? GUS IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF BERNIE MADOFF.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Gus then died of his cancer, which meant I had to to donate more money to the National Canine Cancer Foundation, WHICH I HATE DOING. But don't worry, Archie (Update:FUCK! Stop dying dogs! Or I am going to be so mad at you...) and Elwood are still alive, spreading their false sense of ugly pride all over the country. Just remember this year, if you think the World's Ugliest Dog contest is a safe place, DO NOT WATCH IT ON THE TV. It is just going to be an hour of happy tears you will never get back.

Not for me, though. I watch it for research.