Rich Wife Wanted for Subsequent Divorce

In the aftermath of the battle of sexes that has raged through our culture for the past several decades, it is apparent that American men have taken a serious ass-kicking. No, I'm not some fundamentalist creep talking poorly about women's rights and equality (I agree with all that), but rather the standards we hold for the opposite sex. American women seem to want a man who is up to speed on postmodern literature, works out at the gym 13 hours a week, owns a successful business (something eco-friendly), drives a nice car, takes time on the weekends to do totally extreme sports while simultaneously working with "the children", and has a handsome mug. These absurdly high expectations just cannot be met by those of us with a type-B personality, and our standard for women includes "Uh, is that really a chick?" and "She's not dead, right?". I've heard rumors that women want a man with high standards, but these tactics will most likely get you completely humiliated at any place where men and women mingle.

To counter this glaring inequality in our modern web of relationships, I propose that some rich lady marry me, divorce me, and pay me alimony (think of the good it will do for society!). WSJ had an article about more and more men countering the cultural taboo of seeking alimony payments (h/t to perennial crank Debbie Schlussel). As a selling point, my attributes include: a most excellent DVD collection with not just one, but two copies of the horror classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night", no loss of shame when you hide me in the closet somewhere when your high class girlfriends come to visit, frequently zoning out during talks in a way that looks like I'm paying attention, and various other amenities. The divorce would be emotionally simplistic, as you give me the boot since you get tired of me sitting around the house drinking beer and hanging out on the internet all day. Think of the boost to your ego when you proclaim to everyone that you got rid of that loser (which would be me fleeing the state), and how it will make you feel that much younger. All for the low, low price of $1,000/month for the rest of my mediocre existence.

Think about it!